Category Archives: Real Life

Finding Grandma

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It has been one year today since we lost my Grandma.

I don’t know why people say that. “We lost her…”

What does that mean?  Did we lose her?
Sure, she’s not here in body anymore. I can no longer hug her and smell her ‘grandma’ smell that was always a little like baby powder, and a little like Chantilly lace perfume. I can no longer joke with her, or tell her stories. And no, I can no longer hear her laugh.

But I didn’t lose her.

Even without her physically with me, my Grandma is here with me everyday. Maybe more so in the last year then I ever realized she would be.
Usually when I write a book, something clicks with me emotionally, and when I started writing Composing Myself, I knew that like every other book I’d written, something about it would connect and strike an emotional chord.
What I didn’t count on was that writing this book would take me on such an emotional journey.

But it did.

When I set out to tell Whitney’s story in Composing Myself, I didn’t even plan on having a grandmother character. But soon, it became clear that Whitney needed Grams. She had a mother, she had a best friend, she had a boyfriend and she even had a new man in her life…but she needed someone she could share a relationship with in a way that was separate, unique and special in a way that only a grandparent and grandchild could experience.
As I wrote, the character of Grams was born, and soon she took on a lot of similarities to my own grandmother and the relationship we shared through the years. Throughout the process I would peak up to the pictures I have pinned on my cork board of my grandmother and I shortly before she passed, and they gave me strength. Those pictures also fueled my emotion and there were times I typed through a veil of tears that refused to stop. And there were some very hard scenes to write.

photoboard

I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, I think a great deal of writing Composing Myself was about working through some of the feelings I had of ‘losing’ my grandma and saying goodbye in my own way.

The character of Grams is not my grandmother, but she does have some similarities. I know my grandma would be proud of me and this book.

Most importantly, I know she is most definitely not ‘lost’. Through the writing, I found Grandma again in a way I never expected. She’s with me everyday.

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What do you think? How have the loved ones you’ve ‘lost’ stayed with you?

 

composing myself blurbComposing Myself, is now available and you can find it at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo and Apple.

Taking a Rest

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When it comes  to working out, we all know that you get out of it what you put into it. That’s a not a new concept. It’s also not a new concept that when you want something bad enough (like perhaps a stronger body) you have to do the work that’s needed.

Except when you’re sick. That’s when it’s time to be kind to yourself.

tea and tissueAt least that’s what I’ve been told.

So that’s what I’m doing. Even though it’s not easy.

I’m resting.

The silver lining to taking a break is having more time to put together the final details for the launch of Composing Myself on May 1. So, excuse me while I sip another mug of tea and get back to work, I mean, rest.

So, help me out…what’s your go-to remedy for a cold that just won’t die?

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The Body That Showed Up

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I actually struggled with posting this or not, but…finally I decided I should (obviously) because training for an event isn’t always flowery sunshine runs and personal bests and high fives. Sometimes…

Tri training is in full swing and for the most part it’s going well and I’m enjoying it. And that’s always the ideal thing to say, right? When someone asks you how it’s going, you’re not going to say, “Terrible. It sucks. I hate every minute of it.”
Because quite honestly, if you hate it that much…you shouldn’t be doing it.

But what if, just maybe…you don’t love it ALL the time? What if you have a day where you can’t remember why you’re doing it? Why you’re putting your body through all the crap that you’re putting it through and you’re ready to throw in the towel? What if you have a day like that?

I ask because, well, I had a day like that on Wednesday. It started out well, I woke up early and did my leg weight routine (I’ve recently added in some much needed strength training) then I hit the pool for my tri swim. That was okay. Not great, but not bad. In fact, the day was going well until the evening when I had to meet my triathlon training group for a scheduled hill interval run. (Maybe you’ve already spotted the problem.)
I would like to preface what I’m about to say by first mentioning that I don’t usually squeeze so much into one day. But I was under the weather on Monday causing my entire schedule to be condensed. (hmm…maybe you’ve spotted another problem.)
I hit the treadmill and the warm up went great. Time for the first hill interval… Incline of 6, speed set at 7.5. For 2 minutes.
Possibly the longest two minutes of my life. (Except for all the intervals that came after that!)

running ecard

Finally when the two minutes was finished and our trainer said, “jump!” I jumped and proceeded to try not to throw up or pass out. But hey, it was the first interval. It would get better. Right?

Wrong.

Now, I believe that training of any sort is largely mental. In fact, I honestly believe that depending on your own fitness level of course, it’s about 80% mental, and 20% physical. It is a rare day when I can’t make my body do what I want it to do. But on Wednesday night, I could NOT make my legs move. Not for anything! Every interval (we alternated between 2min and 90seconds intervals with 3 min rest) got worse until I was pretty sure I’d fall on my face, throw up and/or pass out, not necessarily in that order.
In a word…torture. And hands down, the worst run I have ever done.
If I’d been alone, I probably wouldn’t have finished. As it was, I ended up decreasing the incline and the speed just to get through it.
I left that workout pissed off. I was so angry at myself for not being able to complete the workout properly. I really, really hate it when my body won’t cooperate.

It took me awhile for her words to sink in, but something my trainer said to me during that run from hell has finally resonated. And maybe if you ever have a crappy run/ride/swim/insert activity here, you can remember this.

“You have to train with the body that shows up.”

The body that showed up for that interval hill workout, wasn’t good. In fact it was SO far from good. It was tired, it ached, it was slow. But…that body showed up! And guess what? It will again. And that’s all I can do. Show up.

So come on… I know I’m not alone here. Tell me about your worst workout. Trust me, it’s actually sort of cathartic.