Yesterday a friend of mine posted a question on Facebook asking why moms have to be so mean to each other.
Apparently her question was spurred on by Anderson Cooper’s show that pitted stay at home moms against work outside the home moms, against each other. Over the years, I’ve heard this argument being played out over and over. Sometimes on TV and sometimes in real life.
http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/kwidget/wid/0_evz9ef35/uiconf_id/5397191
As you can imagine, yesterday’s show sparked a great deal of controversy. This is a touchy subject with almost every mom I know. And too many of those moms have had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with ‘mean moms’ attacking their choice personally. Why? What gives anyone the right to judge anyone elses choice? Why is it that one choice has to be ‘better’ than the other?
I don’t get it. But I do think that the foundation for the argument comes from something we all have – mom guilt. It’s my belief that we all experience mom guilt in some fashion.
“Do my kids eat enough vegetables?”
“I can’t believe I let them watch an entire movie so I could get a few minutes of quiet.”
“I should spend more time doing homework with my son.”
Whatever it is, whatever age, there is always some form of mom guilt. Work outside the home moms may feel guilty for being away from their kids. Stay at home moms may feel guilty for not helping earn an income for the family. The point is, you can’t get away from the guilt, no matter what the choice, so why make it worse for each other? Sadly, I think some moms feel like if they justify their decision by putting down the opposite choice, they can assuage so
me of their guilt.
But the thing is, I don’t believe there is a right or wrong answer. Stay at home, work outside the home, work FROM home…ultimately do what’s best for YOU and YOUR family. And all of the rest of us should respect that decision and support one another, helping each other through the hard times that will ultimately come with any of these decisions. Guilt and all.
Personal story time- When I first got pregnant I had every intention of returning to work. I was still young in my career. I loved the challenge of going to work everyday and I had always considered myself a ‘career woman’. No one, including myself, could ever imagine I’d even want to stay home. And then we found out we were having twins. All of a sudden everything changed. Twins was definitely not part of the plan. As I mentioned, I was still young in my career. My salary wasn’t much. The cost of daycare for two kids would barely be covered by what I was bringing home after tax. It didn’t financially make sense for me to go back to work. The decision for MY family at that time was to stay home. It worked for us.
In order to make ends meet I started working from home and in one form or another I’ve continued to work from home ever since. Does that have its own struggles? Yes. There are times where I miss the outside working world terribly. And there have been sacrifices for our decision, both financially and personally. Just as there would have been sacrifices had I made a different choice. But ultimately, it’s the choice that works for us.
The point is, we all make the choices that are best for our families. That is our number one job as mothers, to do what is best for our children and our families. PERIOD. What’s best for one family won’t work for another family. It isn’t a one size fits all solution. There is no right or wrong answer. I don’t think my children are better off than the kids down the street whose mom goes to an office every day just because I’m home. Just as I don’t think she’s a better person than I am. At the end of the day we are both moms doing the best we can for our families. And THAT is what should unite us.
What about you? What are your thoughts on this hot subject? Come on, I know you have them!
Well said, Elena! As a stay at home mom, I’ve had my share of people tell me that it’s ‘my husband’s money’ because he works and I don’t, or (and this is my all-time favorite!), ‘since you’re at home all day you have the time to help out and I don’t since I work’. Um, just because I’m ‘home all day’ doesn’t mean I’m sitting around eating bon bons. Stay at home moms W.O.R.K. I did way more volunteering than many of the other moms, stay at home or working, some out of guilt, but mostly because I enjoyed getting out of the house and having conversations with people who didn’t speak in Teletubby. Although, I did love me some Teletubbies and kind of miss them. ; )
Like you said, it’s a personal choice and not one to be discounted or demeaned whichever the parents choose to do. They’re both hard, whether you’re at home or work, so we all need to support each other rather than tear one another down.
Tameri,
Thanks for commenting.
I’ve heard so many of the same things. And I just don’t understand people who say things like that. You’re so right, both choices are hard. Neither one comes with all the answers or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We’re just doing the best we can.
I’ve been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I think people just need to try to be happy with their decisions, whatever they may be. When I worked, I felt guilty that my kids were with someone else. I envied women that could stay home. When I was home, I missed work a bit. Not really work, but more my perspective of who I was. I was used to doing a good job and having my success measured. At home, no one said, “Hey, good job with the laundry today.” The kids never told me I was doing a good job taking care of them. I think now I have the best of both worlds in that I’m both at home and doing a job I love. Great post. And fitting in regard to your book which I can’t wait to read!!
Jillian, you hit on something that I didn’t mention in my post. When I was working outside the house, I had this perspective of who I was. And there are times when I miss that. And that external acknowledgement when you do a good job.
Like you, I think I currently have the best of both worlds and the best possible balance that I can manage at this exact time in my life. Thanks for the comment!
Oh, now this is a topic! Like Jillian, I’ve been a workplace mom and work-at-home mom. I do think the women who give off the worst criticisms (either side) are those who are unhappy with their decision.
I NEVER imagined myself doing anything but being a career gal, so I was devastated when I had all these conflicting emotions. I remember driving down an interstate (hurrying back to work for critical presentation after leaving my sick 8 week old baby with a last-minute babysitter b/c the daycare wouldn’t take sick child!) and realizing I was a C+ mother AND a C+ employee. With that clarity, I made a decision to work from home. It took a year or two, but we made the move. The guilt rolled off me once I did that.
Also, I made a point to teach my girls that there will come a day when they will be faced with a decision about careers and parenting. They should give the matter lots of thought, but also be willing to be flexible. What they think they want to do may end up being the opposite of what they do.
Bridgette,
I agree! I also believe that women who are the most vocal with their criticisms are unhappy with their choice and trying to justify it, mostly to themselves.
Good for you for doing what works for you and having the clarity to see it. And super kudos to teaching your girls that they too will have to make this decision. It’s not an easy one, for sure.
Excellent post! Why on earth do people “bad-mouth” each other about anything? That kind of attitude is nothing more than an unfortunate exposure of the true nature of someone’s personality! As you say, as long as mothers are making the best possible decision that works in everyone’s best interests, what more can you do? Happy moms = happy kids.
Hear hear! Happy moms=happy kids. Period!
Thanks, Patricia.
Your story is similar to mine. I had every intention of continuing to work. But rather than the surprise of twins like you had, I got pre-eclampsia and spent every last week of my maternity leave on bed rest before the baby was even born. It changed my perspective entirely.
Staying at home has been a challenge, but I know I’m doing what works best for my family. For someone else, it might be best to go back to work. Parenting is not “one-size-fits-all”.
We need to respect each other’s choices.
Great post!
Thanks, Annie!
sometimes these decisions are made for us and yes, sometimes what we think we’re going to do, is the exact opposite of what we finally do!
I had a friend who was dead set on being a stay at home mom. That’s what she always wanted and what she thought was best for her. It wasn’t. She was miserable. Now that she’s back at work, she’s back to herself, happier and a much better mom. That was what worked for her.
Thank you for this brave and honest post. We women need to learn to support each other’s choices, whether or not we would make the same ones. It’s not just the mommies, either. It happens in the workplace, too…but that’s a long story that I won’t go into here.
I chose to stay home nearly four years ago because my stepchildren, though older, needed a great deal of my energy. I am grateful that I was financially able to make that choice. It was the best one for me personally as well as my family. I’ve known women who need their jobs to feel fulfilled…if they stay at home they go crazy. I respect that, too.
Thank you, Nadine.
You’re so right, we do need to support each others choices. Sadly, I just don’t think there’s enough of that in general. And oh ya, it happens in the workplace, and on the playground and…
Thanks for the comment!
Fantastic post!!!
I am not a Mom, by choice. I’ve never wanted or had the desire to have children so I can’t really weigh in on this topic except to say this, I agree with you that no one has the right to judge another.
We are all just trying to find our own little piece of happiness in this life. Children, no children, stay at home Mom, working Mom – whatever! We are all just trying to be happy and live our definition of a fulfilling life. And however you choose to do it, I respect it. No guilt, no apologies, no excuses – live large and hard and according to your own rules and morals. The ONLY person you answer to is the one staring back at you in the mirror and if you two are good with each other, I certainly AM!
The one thing I’ve tried to learn in life is that nothing is black and white and there’s really no such thing as right and wrong – only different opinions and perspectives.
Natalie, thank you for the childless by choice opinion. I respect your opinion on this a great deal. I recently had a woman who is also childless by choice get quite heated with me about moms who stay home and ‘live off their husbands’. I couldn’t believe that she had such a strong opinion in this area. And just as I don’t judge a woman’s decision to have or not have children, there should be no judging on working or staying home. SIGH.
You are SO right. There is no right or wrong, black or white…different perspectives and opinions. We should be respecting them, not fighting them. Choose to disagree with what you don’t like, but still respect it.
Thanks so much for the comment!
Great post, E! I’ve often felt the Mom Guilt for staying at home. I keep thinking I’m not being a good role model for my girls. (especially when they think that only Daddies work downtown) My feminist roots are shriveling. I do think we judge others and ourselves way too harshly because of this guilt. Must let go of it! Thanks for the post.
T, we totally must let go of the guilt. No matter what our choices are, there are pros and cons to both. Stop the judging!
Great post Elena!
What a diplomatic way of attacking the subject. Why do people think that have the right to judge others? Because when they make negative statements about someone else’s life, that’s what they’re doing. Judging. And we have no right to infringe our opinions on others unless asked for it by that individual.
Thank you!!!!
So right, Karen. We don’t have any right to judge anothers situation. However, it’s still going to happen. I know whenever I feel like I’m being attacked by negativity or judged for my personal choices I just have to remember, that’s their ‘stuff’ to deal with. Not mine. As long as I’m happy with my life and my family is healthy and happy…I’m doing okay.
thanks for commenting.
I have “debated” this topic with many of my friends. It doesn’t mean that any of us are right or wrong in our opinions and we should be able to express them. There are days when I am super frustrated by my choice and it is nice to have good friends to let you vent on those days without them feeling like its an attack on their own personal choice.
I work full time. Which means that I have someone else helping raise my daughter. That person spends more time with her than I do and that is really hard. It also means that when I want to go for a workout or do anything else that is just for me its more time away again from my kids and the mom guilt gets overwhelming.
I’ve been with my company for almost 16yrs. I love my job. I would also love more time with my kids. I totally admit that I do have days when I am jealous of my friends that are stay at home moms and work at home moms. Yes I would love to have the best of both worlds but life is funny that way.
We all have our opinions on how we see things (whether we admit that or not!). I think we also have to remember that not everything you “see” from the outside is always true. No matter what “position” we hold I think we all have to make some sacrifices and we all suffer some degree of mom guilt. It’s important to try and find balance, set good examples for your children and continue to make decisions that are best for your family. And to be thankful for those friends who support you!
You bring up a very good point. Most definitely, not everything you ‘see’ from the outside is the truth. The grass is not always greener. I think ultimately it’s important, as you say to find that balance (ahhh, elusive balance) and to have good friends who support you and your decisions even if they aren’t’ the ones they themselves would make.
Thanks for commenting.
I think that I’ve been every version of working or stay at home or work at home mom you can be…. I just don’t pay attention to what anyone says about what I should be doing. That’s between me and my family.
I can tell you that right now, juggling a couple jobs and trying to maintain my writing is hard and my family suffers. But I don’t know the answer to what’s right … should I let a job or two go? Should I refocus? I don’t know.
It would be great to know if I were on the right path though, but I won’t find that answer from anywhere but inside my own family.
Heather, thanks for stopping by. I wish I had all the answers too. Let me know if you figure out the juggling act. I think we all could use a little help.
Fantastic post! I really appreciate your balanced perspective on this. I’ve never understood why working moms and stay-at-home moms always seemed to be at odds, but “mom guilt” does make a lot of sense. Because I don’t have kids yet, i can’t speak from personal experience, but one of the things that drew me to my husband was his attitude of “when we have kids, whether you work at a job or not is up to you.” Prior to meeting him, I’d met a lot of men who wanted to tell me what the right place to be was without taking into consideration my personality or the different situations couples might face.
Marcy, he sounds like a good man. And…a smart one.
thanks for the comment!
The gloves will never be off! I have been both. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years and a working mom for the past 2 us years. For me, work is the splice and time that I get to recuperate and be a better mom. The added salary and what it affords our family makes sense. I am extremely lucky as my employer supports me as a mother and has allowed me to have an extremely flexible schedule that allows me to pick my children up from school. I cannot tell you how exhausting it us to see and hear all the lulu lemon uniform clad stay at home moms standing in their clicks and gossiping about other mothers, children and teachers everyday!!! This is also done in front of their other children that are not yet in school. It’s for this reason I urge every mom to work from home or outside the home. Get your life back, stop criticizing others! Women can do it all.
Clearly I should have read my post prior to posting .. Damn you auto correct!
I’m glad that working for you has worked out so well for you. I do think it’s super important for every woman to find out what works best for them and their family. And it is very unfortunate that you have a group of mother’s at your kid’s school who criticize other women and their choices. But it is both your response and their behavior that I’m arguing we need to get away from. It’s a gross over-generalization to say that women who stay at home don’t have a life. We all need to remember it’s a choice. Be happy with yours and support theirs.
Sadly, I do agree with you, I think for a large group, the gloves will never be off. But…dare to dream.
Thanks for your comment, Adele.
Pingback: My quit list! – Natalie Hartford
This is a great post. I often feel this way. There is no way to do this perfectly and no one raises their kids perfectly. I think we believe in perfection too much now. We want it for our kids and ourselves and it is impossible.
Fantastic post. I’m catching up with your blog backwards, and I think it ties in with your Hey Jealousy post, about how we get jealous and think the grass is greener over there, but we actually can’t see the entire lawn from where we’re sitting. Or something. I think I just ran with a pile of metaphors and they all fell out. Anyway. I’m coming to see that one of the best things I CAN do for my family is let go of the guilt. That makes it so I can really be there when I’m there. I’m working a second job now to April and I am so painfully aware of my absence with my family. It’s going to be a rough few months, but it is the right choice for us right now. It’s temporary. But I have a hard time talking about it. The guys I work with, it’s a no-brainer for them to keep these hours; it’s expected. The moms at the school would be appalled if they knew I was doing this.
On another note, I just finished a book called Marriage Rules and it had a truly interesting point about when you want to go back to work and are weighing daycare costs against your potential salary. She suggested counting the costs against your combined incomes, because it’s a shared expense. I had never thought about it that way and it puts a different perspective on value.